Day 90 - A New Me, A New Reality

These past 90 days have been some of the most transformative days of my life. And even though I haven't been chronicling here as regularly as I had planned, deep shifts have happened on the inside and the outside. I believe what's most conspicuous is that I'm seeing more and more of my shortcomings. Not from a self-flagellating point of view, but I see how distorted my sense of reality has been through my deepened meditation practice. Buddha said that all humans are delusional and that delusion is one of the three poisons (together with greed and hatred) according to Buddhism. C.G Jung talked about our core delusions (the ones that stem from a childhood wound that we keep perpetuating) and how they run our lives. In any 12-step program, the focus is on letting go of the delusion that things will change, and be much better, tomorrow. For example, we are in denial of our addiction and we believe we can quit tomorrow, or in a business context, we are in denial about our tendency to focus on the potential of tomorrow's business opportunity and forgetting the power of what lies beneath our feet.

Looking at myself from this perspective is pretty tough. There are a lot of things that I didn't want to see and accept about myself. Yet at the same time, it's also beautifully liberating. For example, after accepting that I'm a dreamer, yes maybe a visionary as well, but someone who is much more comfortable living in the future than in the now, it's also easy to see how negatively this has impacted my life. In a sense you can say that it's about forfeiting our present moment to gain an imagined future. And of course I'm not the only one who bets on the allure of how amazing the next vacation will be, or wear the rosy-colored glasses of how life will when we are skinny, or have met 'the One', or imagine how great life will be when we've gotten funded. After accepting this delusion, the process of seeking out the moments and the how, instead of chasing outcomes starts. For me, this will take time, yet I'm floored how much a small shift in perception has changed life for the better for me.

So in short, I feel incredibly fortunate, humbled and deeply optimistic about myself, life and the planet. If I can change this much in such a short period of time, what if this was multiplied by hundreds and then thousands?

Day 56 - Big Shifts & Big Smiles

Wow! It's hard to describe all that's happening now, but I've never felt so free. Scared, for sure, but liberated on a profound level!

Some of the things that are happening inwards and outwards:
1. I'm moving to a new place, with a roommate, and letting go of my place in Venice. Scary, but so juicy and so right.
2. Connecting more deeply with my mindfulness and inquiry practice.
3. Did my first Diamond Approach weekend last week, and it was absolutely mind-blowing. Hard, for sure, I cried a lot, but wow!
4. Am letting go of so much now, things that no longer serve me, and I'm opening myself up to so many new and beautiful opportunities. Hooray.
5. Am having more fun than in a very long time, with more singing and dancing, and despite my increased focus on my inner practice, I'm more social than I've ever been. I love all new friends that are coming into my life.

There are of course tons of doubts, insecurities and many things that are not in place, yet, but it's moving in the right direction, mostly because I'm applying my own tools on how to stop resisting life and how to become more real. Hooray. Life is beautiful!

Day 38. A Return to Being

In past two weeks, I've launched my new site, the new programs that I'm offering, this blog, my new newsletter (the Durga Journal) and my new e-book (soft launch). At the same time, there has been a lot of traction with Quickenings, and the expanding ideas of creating events and a network for conscious entrepreneurs. Adding on some personal stuff, including getting food poisoning, I lost myself and I lost the desire and the capability to act with the awareness that this entire blog is about.

And that's ok. It's actually more than ok. It's just as it should be. I needed to lose myself in order to reconnect. The entire point of this blog is showing the ups and downs, the process, not the end product. But it's also very clear to me that too much doing comes with a WAY too high price.

So hereby, even though I have endless to-do lists, I'm recommitting myself to the power of living consciously. By how I eat. (no distractions). By what I focus on (more fun and making things more fun). And by not escaping as frequently as I've done in the past few weeks (through mystery novel-reading and television through my computer, or for that matter, over-exercising) to handle the stress of delivering on my self-imposed deadlines while also getting sick to avoid family drama. Writing this out, it seems so silly to get caught in that net of stress and the almost manic high that comes from excessive doing.

I return to being by choosing the wisdom of the baby in the photo above, celebrating life, color and the joy of getting dirty : )!

Day 23. Bend, Not Break

Bend, Not Break - A life in two worlds is the title of a best-selling memoir by Ping Fu with my friend MeiMei Fox as co-writer. Ping Fu is the founder and CEO of Geomagic, Inc and she tells her story as a child soldier, factory worker and political prisoner in China, and her incredible journey of building a pioneering software company in the US. It's a great book on leadership, entrepreneurship, negotiation, business building, commitment, honesty, resilience and above all, the power of human spirit. I highly recommend it.

I also see it as a very relevant book related to mindfulness and conscious living. Ping Fu's entire life-journey can be said to be a great example of conscious living. Not because she's always conscious about the choices she's made (even though she comes across as having an incredible self-awareness), but because she's always looking at what she has now, right in front of her, and creates something amazing with what she has, without resisting what's given to her. Essentially a textbook case of presence in action, so to speak.

I feel deeply inspired, as well as humbled, reading about her extraordinary life and how she's always choosing to seek out the best in people while never giving up. A powerful teacher and role-model.
Jai Ma!

Day 22. Lotta 3.0

I feel as if Lotta 3.0 is emerging. Very cool. Lotta 1.0 was my Swedish over-achiever disconnected self. It died together with my first Venture Capital funded start-up. Lotta 2.0 that resurfaced in the US and who became a coach, yoga teacher, writer, singer and healer, filled to the brink with life, was overall a much more fun person to be around. But the anxiety, coupled with self-consciousness, a spiritual desire to flee the world and still a strong need to prove herself, whether as a coach, business leader or Leader of the Swedish-American Chamber, was exhausting. Lotta 3.0, however, who just now is emerging, is different. She's cooler, if I may say that. And happier. I will learn more about her the coming year, which I'll share in this blog.

How are your iterations of self doing?

Day 21. South Park's version of the Meaning of Life

A fabulous video with Alan Watts as narrator, produced by Trey Parker & Matt Stone on the big life-lie we all perpetuate. Wonderful reminder of what's truly important.

Day 20. On finding yourself

I can't count the number of times I've had to find myself. I used to think it was a one-time deal. Like you find yourself, hallelujah! and then you are done. Period. Forever. I was wrong. Again. Finding yourself might not be a full-time job, but it certainly is a recurring pastime. The upside, however, is that it gets easier, it goes faster and it's like finding your favorite old baggy sweatshirt that was lost in a pile of discarded clothes. And I don't mean the the sweaty one, I'm talking about the clean yet comfy one, and you just are able relax, secure in the knowing that you are home again. I've found myself again. And it feels darn good.